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英文爆笑笑話
英文爆笑笑話1
A little girl from the East Side was invited to a garden party given by a very aristocratic(貴族的) lady to a group of little East-Siders.
The little girl, as she drank her tea and ate her plum-cake on a velvet(天鵝絨的) lawn under a white-blooming cherry tree, said to her hostess:
Does your husband drink?
Why-er-no, not to excess, was the astonished reply.
How much does he make?
He doesn't work, said the lady. He is a capitalist.
You keep out of debt, I hope?
Of course, child. What on earth do you mean by all these impudent(無恥的) questions?
Impudent? said the little girl. Why, Ma'am, Mother told me to be sure and behave like a lady, and when ladies call at our rooms they always question Mother like that.
一個(gè)住在城東貧民區(qū)的小女孩獲得邀請(qǐng)，參加一位貴婦人為城東貧民區(qū)的孩子們舉行的花園晚會(huì)。
在一棵開滿了白色小花兒的櫻桃樹下，小女孩坐在柔軟的草地上，一邊品嘗著她的茶和梅子蛋糕，一邊對(duì)貴婦人說：你的'丈夫酗酒嗎? 呃，呃，不，他喝得不多。夫人一臉驚詫。
他掙多少錢?
他不工作，夫人回答說，他是個(gè)資本家。
我希望你們沒有負(fù)債吧?
當(dāng)然沒有，孩子。你問這么些無禮的問題到底是想說什么呢?
無禮?小女孩說，怎么會(huì)呢，夫人?媽媽要我的舉止一定要象夫人們一樣，當(dāng)她們到我們家做客的時(shí)候，她們總是那樣問我媽媽的。
英文爆笑笑話2
視力訓(xùn)練 Visual Training
The squad were having “visual training”. One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field.The party was so faraway that the men appeared as mere dots， but unhesitatinglythe recruit replied： “Sixteen men and a sergeant，sir.” “Right;but how do you know there's a sergeant there?” “He's not doing any digging,sir.”
班里正在進(jìn)行“視力訓(xùn)練”。一個(gè)聰明伶俐的新兵被班長(zhǎng)叫出來數(shù)遠(yuǎn)處曠野上采掘隊(duì)的人數(shù)。采掘隊(duì)在很遠(yuǎn)的`地方，那些人看起來只是一些小點(diǎn)兒。但是這個(gè)新兵毫不猶豫地回答。 “十六個(gè)兵外加一個(gè)中士，長(zhǎng)官�！� “正確，可是你怎么知道那兒有一個(gè)中士?” “他不干活，長(zhǎng)官�！�
英文爆笑笑話3
Lose One Pound減掉一磅
I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age." Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?" 我稱贊我的一個(gè)同事減肥10磅�？墒牵医蛔】湟f我17歲時(shí)，體重225磅，而目前體重是224磅。我還說：“這對(duì)我這樣年齡的.男子來說，是不錯(cuò)的�！�
一個(gè)女子聽到了這些話，她說道：“你是說你花了這么長(zhǎng)時(shí)間才減了1磅?”
英文爆笑笑話4
Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
大五個(gè)月
第二次世界大戰(zhàn)開始了，約翰想?yún)④姡伤挥惺鶜q，當(dāng)時(shí)規(guī)定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫(yī)給他進(jìn)行體檢時(shí)，他說他已經(jīng)十八歲了。
可約翰的'哥哥剛?cè)胛闆]幾天，而且也是這個(gè)軍醫(yī)給他做的檢查。這位醫(yī)生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當(dāng)他看到約翰的表格時(shí)，感到非常驚奇。
“你多大了?”軍醫(yī)問。
“十八，長(zhǎng)官�！奔s翰說。
“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”
約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長(zhǎng)官，我哥哥比我大五個(gè)月�！�
英文爆笑笑話5
Buy the ice
Once a simpleton’s wife told him to buy some ice.
Two hours later, he didn’t come back. She wanted to know why he didn’t come back and went out to have a look. She saw he was standing in the sun at the gate and watching the ice melting. “What’s the matter?” She asked him. “Why don’t you bring it in?”
“I saw the ice was wet and I was afraid that you would scold me so I’m running it dry.” The simpleton answered.
從前有一個(gè)笨人的妻子讓她的.丈夫買幾塊冰。 兩個(gè)小時(shí)后，他還沒回來。
她想知道他為什么沒回來，就出去看了看，發(fā)現(xiàn)她的丈夫在門口站著，在太陽(yáng)下曬冰，看著冰融化。
她問他：“怎么啦?你為什么不把它拿進(jìn)來?”
“我看見冰是濕的，恐怕你會(huì)訓(xùn)斥我，因此，我正在把它曬干�！北咳嘶卮鸬�。
英文爆笑笑話6
Have a neuropathy, I do not know where to get a handful of pistols, he is gone in a little black alley. When suddenly a young man, neuropathy apart from anything else its guns on the ground by pointing to his head. Asked one plus a few zero. Terrified young people, thought for a long time. Answer, equals two. Neuropathy of the killing he did not hesitate. And then get pulled in his arms, said a cold, you know too much ...
有一個(gè)神經(jīng)病，不知道從哪里弄來了一把槍，他走在一條小黑胡同里。突然遇上一個(gè)年輕人，神經(jīng)病二話不說將其按在地上用槍指著他的頭。問道，一加一得幾。年輕人嚇壞了，沉思了很久�；卮�，等于二。神經(jīng)病毫不猶豫的打死了他。然后把搶拽在懷里，冰冷的'說了一句，你知道的太多了…
英文爆笑笑話7
1
In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.
Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.
When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: Go barefoot.
中學(xué)的時(shí)候，我對(duì)自己的高度非常敏感。
一次，一位救生員約我出去。事實(shí)上，我從未和他并肩站過，因而不知道他到底有多高。因此約會(huì)那晚，我拿出兩雙鞋，一雙高跟，一雙平跟。我安排哥哥去開門，讓他和救生員比比高度，再上樓告訴我應(yīng)穿哪雙鞋。
門鈴響了，我在樓上等著。哥哥跑上樓告訴了我一個(gè)不幸的.消息：你可以光著腳去約會(huì)。
英文爆笑笑話8
A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway
station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many. Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response.
However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New
York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"
At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"
英文爆笑笑話9
：You may put my beard on again
A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it. "Two pence," said the man. "No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again." The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave. "A penny." said the barber. "I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again." 賣掃帚的人和理發(fā)師
一個(gè)賣掃帚的人去一家理發(fā)店修面.理發(fā)師向他買了一把掃帚.當(dāng)理發(fā)師給他修完面后,問了一下掃帚的價(jià)錢. 賣掃帚的人說:"兩便士"
"不,不"理發(fā)師說,"我只出一便士.如果你認(rèn)為不夠的話,可以把掃帚拿回去."
賣掃帚的人取回了掃帚,隨后問修面要付多少錢. 賣掃帚的'人說:"我只能給你半個(gè)便士,如果你認(rèn)為不夠的話,你可以把胡子再替我裝上."
英文爆笑笑話10
它們是從美國(guó)直接帶來的
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 一位中國(guó)老婦人在美國(guó)看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺(tái)，銀行職員認(rèn)真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實(shí)在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請(qǐng)你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國(guó)直接帶來的'�！�
英文爆笑笑話11
A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, "You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?"
英文爆笑笑話12
A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents
occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.
英文爆笑笑話13
Give up your seat to a lady
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
給女士讓座
小強(qiáng)尼說：“媽媽，今天早上和爸爸在公車上時(shí)，他叫我讓座給一位女士�！�
媽媽說：“你做得很對(duì)呀�！�
“但是，媽媽，我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的�！�
英文爆笑笑話14
我是來裝電話的
What a big deal A young businessman had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."
我是來裝電話的一個(gè)年輕人剛剛開始做生意，就租了一個(gè)漂亮的辦公室。一天，他坐在辦公室里，看到有一個(gè)人在外面，于是他就裝作生意很忙的樣子，拿起電話胡吹亂侃，還不停的甩出幾個(gè)大數(shù)字，好像在談一筆大買賣。到了最后，他終于掛了電話，問來訪的.人，“有事兒嘛?”那個(gè)人回答，“我是來給你安裝電話的�！�
英文爆笑笑話15
The ability of the Kangaroo
The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?" "I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.
袋鼠的'能力
動(dòng)物園為剛引進(jìn)的袋鼠建了一個(gè)特殊的八英尺高的圍墻。但是第二天早上，人們發(fā)現(xiàn)這動(dòng)物在圍墻外面蹦跳著。于是圍墻高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠還是跑了出來。動(dòng)物園經(jīng)理甚感惱火，又叫人把圍墻高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠還是逃了出來。一個(gè)長(zhǎng)頸鹿問袋鼠：“你認(rèn)為他們會(huì)把圍墻建到多高?” “我不知道，”袋鼠說，“如果他們繼續(xù)開著大門，可能要修到一千英尺吧�！�
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